


Community Challenge Entry!

by rubyelf



Category: Lord of the Rings (Movies), Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Gen, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-03
Updated: 2012-09-03
Packaged: 2017-11-13 11:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/503087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubyelf/pseuds/rubyelf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As per the prompt, the actors arrive for a photo shoot unaware that the photographer is having some... issues. Of course, Viggo doesn't care, but the others seem to object. </p>
            </blockquote>





	Community Challenge Entry!

Image E:

Prompt: 

** 8) A photo shoot where the participants do not know the photographer is having a psychotic episode **

 

 

IT'S ART, DAMNIT! ART!

Author: [](http://rubyelf.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://rubyelf.livejournal.com/)**rubyelf**  
Characters: Dave, Viggo, Karl, Billy, Dominic, Elijah, a stuffed panda bear, an inflatable sheep, and... well, never mind.   
Warnings: You heard the part about the inflatable sheep, right?  
Rating: R (mostly for lots and lots of swearing)  
Disclaimer: This didn't happen. I'm absolutely sure of it. Well, pretty sure. 

Summary: As per the prompt, the actors arrive for a photo shoot unaware that the photographer is having some... issues. Of course, Viggo doesn't care, but the others seem to object. 

This got a LOT sillier than I intended... well, I don't know what I intended. 

 

 

IT'S ART, DAMNIT! ART!

Shifting on the stylish but surprisingly uncomfortable purple sofa in the photographer’s lounge, Dave glanced over at his cast mates, or at least the ones who had submitted to Luc Marco’s demands to arrive for a photo shoot that was supposed to have started an hour ago.

Karl yawned and looked at his watch. “I’m about fucking out of here, mate. Did he even say which mag this shoot was for?”

“I wasn’t paying attention,” Viggo said, stretching out his long legs. “I just figured something interesting always happens when they get us together.”

“I see Beanie didn’t bother,” Dominic observed.

“He already made the papers this week,” Billy reminded.

“Making the tabloids for getting your head busted open in a bar fight is a little different than a photo shoot,” Dominic said.

“He probably had more fun than we’re having,” Billy muttered.

“Cheer up, Bills,” Dominic said. “I’ll bet if you sit on Vig’s lap he’ll lick your ear again.”

Billy rubbed his ear squeamishly. “Rather not. If I’m going to have somebody’s tongue in my ear, I’d prefer to at least get something out of it later.”

“You might’ve, if you’d asked for it,” Dominic suggested.

“You didn’t stay around after the preview long enough to find out,” Viggo said mildly.

“Speaking of which,” Karl said, sitting up, “where’s your boy Bloom, Vigs?”

“Filming. They’re making about forty of those pirate movies, and Disney owns his ass till they’re done.”

Dominic snickered. “I figured they were just renting it from you.”

“Dommeh,” Billy chided.

“Are we ever going to get started?” Karl complained. “And who’s this Luc fellow, anyway?”

“Does photos for some of the more artsy magazines,” Billy said. “And I know for a fact his name’s actually spelled L-U-K-E, but he didn’t think that was ‘creative’ enough.”

Karl made a face. “Well, I’m…”

The door at the far side of the sparsely decorated room opened, and a slender dark-haired woman in a tidy gray business suit stepped in.

“Mr. Luc is ready for you now.”

“About time,” Dominic muttered, reaching his foot over to kick Elijah. “Wake up, Lij. Time to go look pretty.”

The group followed the woman down a brightly-lit hallway that reminded Dave of a hospital corridor, Billy and Dominic creating a minor disruption due to Dominic’s repeated attempts to grab Billy’s ass and Billy’s sharp reprimands as he dodged them. Karl finally gave both of them a stern look, and Dominic attempted to look contrite while Billy gave him an I-told-you-so glare.

“Mr. Luc is using his largest set today,” the woman said, holding up a clipboard. “I see you weren’t instructed to bring any clothes, so I assume he’ll be dressing you. I’ll need all of your shirt and trousers sizes, and shoes as well.”

“Are you gonna ask us if we hang to the left or the right?” Dominic asked, smirking.

“Dommeh,” Billy said again, shaking his head.

The woman didn’t blink. “In your case, young man, I’m not sure it matters.”

Dominic raised his eyebrows. “Are you implying I’ve got a…”

Viggo took Dominic by the arm. “Come on, Dom.”

They stepped into a bright studio with racks of clothing and shelves of props along the back walls and a large platform with a backdrop screen and lighting equipment arranged around and over it.

“Is that a giant stuffed panda bear?” Elijah whispered.

“He probably does shoots for kids, too,” Dave said.

“That doesn’t explain the inflatable sheep,” Dominic noted.

“No, it doesn’t,” Dave agreed, refusing to look to find out whether Dom was joking or not.

“Gentlemen!” a loud but nasal voice rang out, and a small, chubby man dressed all in black came sliding across the floor like a figure skater, weirdly graceful despite his rotund figure. “Lovely, lovely, lovely. Not everyone made it, I see, but enough of you. This will be marvelous.”

He clapped his hands with enthusiasm and gestured toward the platform and the cameras

“We’ll get started immediately. I have some wonderful ideas. Very creative. You’ll _love_ them. Come over here, quickly now, and let me show you some of the things I have in mind.”

  
  


“You want me to do what?” Dave asked.

The photographer gestured impatiently.

“Take off your clothes.”

“All of them?”

“Depends. What sort of underwear are you wearing?”

Dave turned red. “Briefs.”

“No, no, no, no. Here. Put these on.”

Dave’s eyes widened at the very small black undergarment the man handed him. “You want me to wear this?”

“Of course. I’m going to move some furniture over and shoot in a nice domestic-looking setting.”

“With Dave in a banana hammock,” Karl added, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, don’t worry. I want you fully clothed,” he said brightly, turning to Karl. “See that garment bag over there? Go get that put on and I’ll be ready for you.”

With Karl off, he turned to Viggo and looked him up and down, nodding approvingly. “I like this outfit. I think I’ll just photograph you in that.”

“What?” Dominic protested. “He looks like a hobo! He had one of the costume ladies sew that poncho back together in New Zealand after a horse chewed it up! And his shoes don’t even match!”

“I know. I _love_ it,” the photographer said triumphantly. “It’s so… organic!”

Dominic rolled his eyes.

“Don’t worry… I have something very fun for the three of you, little hobbit men. Quite fun. You’re going to love it,” he said, giggling like a small girl.

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Billy muttered.

Elijah shrugged. “Whatever it is, we’ve probably been asked to do weirder things.”

“Or done them without being asked,” Dominic pointed out.

“You’ve got a point,” Billy said.

The photographer gestured to a large black chest in a corner of the studio. “Go on, then… get in there and pick out whichever costume you like. They should all fit you… I had them sent over this morning.”

Viggo was sprawled in a chair, looking perfectly content, while Dave stood awkwardly in the middle of a makeshift living room, trying to stand in a way that didn’t expose too much of what the tight black underwear was doing nothing to hide.

“Quit looking at me like that,” he said sharply.

“It’s a good look for you,” Viggo said, shrugging.

Mr. Luc looked up from adjusting his camera. “You can’t stand like that! That’s not the manly image I’m looking for!”

“Manly?”

“Yes, manly! Stand up and put your hands on your hips. Like you’re surveying your territory.”

Dave attempted this, but looked so ridiculous that Viggo burst out laughing.

“No, no, no…” the photographer muttered. “Hmm… Aha! Down on the floor.”

“What?”

“On the floor. On your hands and knees!”

Dave gingerly lowered himself to the floor, looking to Viggo for some reassurance, but Viggo had discovered a banjo in the box of props behind him and was busy tuning it.

“Good. Now… crawl! No, no! Not like a baby… like a LION! Fiercely!”

Dave attempted to crawl fiercely, glad Viggo wasn’t watching.

“Good! That’s it! Now… roar!”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You’re a lion! Roar like the lion! Come on! A big proper roar!”

Dave had just managed to achieve a “proper roar” when Karl stormed into the studio, scowling darkly.

“What the fuck is this, now?”

“It’s a dress,” Viggo said.

“No fucking kidding, mate. What the fuck am I doing in a dress?”

“Pink’s a good color for you.”

“Vigs, I’m going to knock you out of that chair.”

The photographer clapped his hands delightedly. “It fits you perfectly! I’d hoped it would! Let me help you with the bows in the back and then we can get started!”

Before Karl could protest, Dominic, Billy, and Elijah walked in. It was difficult to tell for a moment which was which, since all three of them were dressed up as animals, but after a moment Dave was able to discern that Elijah was the cat, Billy was the chicken, and Dominic was the lizard.

“Excuse me, but what the fuck is this?” Dominic demanded, gesturing at their costumes. “And… is that fucking Karl Urban in a pink dress? And what the fuck are you doing crawling around on the floor in your undies, Dave?”

“You look perfect!” Mr. Luc exclaimed. “Just perfect! Let me go get the panda bear and the inflatable sheep…”

“Wait… _what_?” Elijah demanded.

“Hmm. You’re right. There are three of you. And it wouldn’t make much sense for a lizard to be intimate with a panda bear or a sheep, would it?”

“As opposed to it making perfect sense for a chicken,” Billy said.

“Are you trying to film some kind of furry porn?” Dominic asked. “Because I’m getting the fuck out of here. I’m not going to be on camera in a lizard costume making out with a stuffed animal. That’s fucked up.”

“It’s ART!” the photographer said indignantly.

“I get the panda bear,” Elijah said, shrugging.

“Why would a cat fuck a panda bear?” Billy protested.

“Are we seriously having this discussion?” Dominic asked.

“Karl looks pretty fine in that dress,” Viggo said, raising an eyebrow. “You guys can have the stuffed animals and I’ll take him.”

“The fuck you will!” Karl exclaimed, backing away.

“Boys!” the photographer shouted. “Settle down! You don’t have to actually have sex with the stuffed animals. You just have to pretend you’re…”

“Viggo, is that your phone vibrating?” Dave asked.

Viggo shrugged. Since he was the only one still in his original clothes, he was the only one who still had his phone; not that it mattered, since he never answered it. He glanced at the screen and then at the photographer.

“Mr. Luc, seems my agent’s been trying to call me for the past two hours. Wants to know where the hell I am. Apparently this photo shoot was supposed to be cancelled because you were supposed to be checked into the psych ward over at Cedars-Sanai.”

“That’s ridiculous. They checked me over and said I was fine!”

“Hmm. My agent says they checked you over and determined you were having a major psychotic episode, and that you checked out against medical advice, and that if we see you we’re to get the hell away as quickly as possible.”

“But…”

“Fuck this!” Karl exclaimed, tugging off the dress and storming back to the dressing room in his boxers.

“No kidding,” Dominic said, pulling off the lizard’s head. “I wasn’t doing that shit anyway.”

“I would’ve, if you’d let me have the panda bear,” Elijah said mildly.

“What?”

“I like panda bears.”

“You can’t leave!” the photographer shrieked. “I’m not finished! It’s ART! Don’t you understand? IT’S ART!”

As the others stomped off to return to their regular clothes, Viggo patted the man sympathetically on the shoulder.

“If it makes you feel any better, they never like any of my ideas either.” 

 

 


End file.
